this is the day

Life throws us curveballs.  Sometimes, you’re totally not expecting it, but then you get some big news.  You react to that news one way, and then weeks later, find out that it’s not going to happen anyway.  And then you wish with all your heart for that big news to still be happening.

Sometimes in life, you think you’ve gone through something horrible; only to be faced with the same thing again later.  Only the second time is not any easier, just because you’ve been through it once before (as many people, myself included- at first, thought it would be.)

Sometimes, you have to cling to the loves in your life- your family- to be strong for you when you don’t want to be.  It’s those people, your family (and your closest friends that you consider your family), that understand the hurt and the heartache.  Even if you don’t want to talk about the tough stuff, knowing that you’re with someone who understands where you’ve been is enough.

This past winter, we found out we were expecting again, but in March, only weeks later, when we went in for a routine checkup, we were devastated to find out that our teeny baby no longer had a heartbeat.  Our second miscarriage.

It’s been a couple of months since all of this happened.  Life doesn’t stop just because you go through hard situations.  We grow when we’re faced with trials.  It brings us together and makes our marriage stronger, makes us lean on God even more and trust that all things will work together for His good.  There is not a day that goes by that one of us forgets our many blessings.  We are constantly turning to each other and saying, “We are so lucky; so blessed.”  We’ve been given many great things; sweet Natalie is a constant reminder of all the things we have to be thankful for.

On the day we found out about the miscarriage, I sat down and journaled everything I was thinking.  It has taken me some time to be ready to make this public.  I didn’t want a lot of sympathy or kind words; sometimes that makes it harder.  But every time I sit down at the computer and feel ready to write, I just keep coming back to this.

*written March 14

This is the day that I woke up happy and excited.

This is the day that I was supposed to meet an amazing friend for lunch.

This is the day that I went in for a ten-week check up with my doctor.

This is the day that I learned we have to say goodbye to our unborn baby.

This is the day that I will remember my whole life.  It’s one of those defining moments that you know will be with you always.

This is the day that I will look back on with sadness, confusion, and anger.  Why are we going through this again?  Why did everything seem to be going great, and then suddenly the baby has no heartbeat?  What did I do wrong?

This is the day that I will forever remember as feeling overcome by guilt.  What if we had been super excited about this pregnancy from the moment we first found out rather than worrying?  What if we hadn’t been scared?  What if we hadn’t questioned our ability to raise two young children?  What if I hadn’t selfishly thought that I wasn’t ready to be pregnant again?

This is the day that I had to make some decisions.  In 2009 when we had the first miscarriage, we found out about it on December 23rd at a doctor appointment.  The purpose was to do an ultrasound to see how far along I was and confirm a due date.  But there was no heartbeat.  On December 28th, I went into the hospital for the d&c.  It was winter; I remember getting home and laying on the couch, curtains drawn, lights off.  I wanted nothing except my husband by my side.  I wanted to stay inside, in the dark, and away from the world.  I wanted to bury my pain and not have to face the people around me.

This is the day that I realized I am strong.  I am a mother to a beautiful baby girl.  I can’t, nor do I want, to lock myself in my house.  As I sat in the doctor’s office today, I listened.  I was silent, holding my breath, waiting to hear this new baby’s heartbeat.  But there was none.  Natalie was with me, in her stroller.  We waited in one of the rooms for the ultrasound.  We weren’t supposed to have one today, but the doctor wanted to get me in because we couldn’t hear the heartbeat.  I was scared, I was confused.  But I was still a mom, and I still had a sweet girl with me who can cheer me up in a way no one in this world can.  After the ultrasound confirmed no heartbeat, our friend and nurse came in to offer some comfort.  Then she left, and the doctor left.  And it was just me and Natalie.  And I cried as I held my sweet baby girl.  And in that moment, I knew that I could not hide from the pain.  I knew that I wanted to and needed to cry.  I knew that I needed to see Jeff, and that I needed the comfort of his embrace.  I knew that we would be okay, because we are a family, and we are happy.

This is the day that I considered the future of our family.  Will we remain just us three (+ Buddy!)?  Could I face this devastation again?  At first, I thought no.  I was tempted to talk to my doctor about it today before I left the office.  I was ready to tell Jeff that I couldn’t bare the thought of experiencing all of this for a third time.

This is the day that I knew I couldn’t give up.  Jeff and I, though surprised with this pregnancy, were excited about it.  We had talked about how great it would be for the kids to be so close in age.  They’d grow up fighting, sure, as siblings do.  But the closeness in age gave me hope that Natalie and the baby would grow up to have the kind of relationships that Jeff and I have with our siblings.  And I knew, as I considered those things, that I want Natalie to have a sibling.  I’m just not ready to give up on that yet.

This is the day that I am grateful for the faith we have in the Lord.  Faith does not explain things.  It does not make pain and sorrow go away.  It does not mean that bad things won’t happen.  But having faith gives us hope and peace that we are not alone.  Faith is how I know that “all things work together for good.”  I can’t see the reasons now; I may never.  I’ve spent all day looking for the silver lining and talking to Jeff about the things that we have to be happy about, despite the situation.  Faith is how I know that even during the times that I feel lost, confused, overcome by guilt, and full of sadness; faith is how I know that we will get through it.

This is the day that I will go to bed knowing that tomorrow is going to be an emotional day.  Tomorrow morning, we will go to the hospital.  By noon tomorrow, I will be home again.  I will probably want to curl up for a while. I will probably want to bury myself under a blanket, snuggling up right next to Jeff.  I will not want to talk for a while.  I remember the emotions that go along with this.  The questions you have for yourself: What if I had done this differently?  What if I hadn’t had those thoughts?  What if we had been more grateful?  What if?  I remember those feelings.  They are hard.  Tomorrow will be hard.

But today.  Today is the day that I am going through the cycle of emotions.  It is not the only day; it is not the only time.  I am strong; but I will have moments of sadness.  Today is a day for crying; a day for mourning a loss; a day for rejoicing in our blessings;a day for loving the life we’ve been given.   Today is just like any other day.*

Weeks later, we received a call saying that my doctor had ordered testing after the miscarriage.  We found out that our sweet baby was a daughter.  In my heart, I know I have two little girls.  I get the amazing privilege of holding and rocking one every night, of laughing with her every day; and the other sweet little girl, I will meet in heaven.

let’s get reacquainted

Hello there.

Yes, you.

Yes, I know it’s been FOREVER since we last met.  Okay, not forever.  But it felt like it, didn’t it?  Sometimes, things happen, life gets messy and crazy and busy, and once things settle down, then you find yourself with a couple of spare moments here and there.

But don’t worry!  Summer is fast approaching, and if you know anything about people with super powers  teachers, then you know that they enjoy summer every bit as much as their students, because they finally get to rejuvenate, relax, and remember why they love teaching so much.  And summer brings something that is so precious: time!  So hopefully we can get caught up here pretty soon.

In the meantime,  I’m sure you’ve missed seeing my darling sweetie pie. (I bet you’re wondering if I’m talking about Mr. Sweetie Pie or baby girl Sweetie Pie- right?!)  So just in case you wanted to see both, I’ve got that covered.

She tried to eat him! (Don’t worry, I didn’t let her.)

Okay, here’s one more….

Am I a lucky lady, or what!?

My amazing husband graduated with his Masters from St. Mary’s this May!  Congratulations, sweetie!  I am so proud of you!!!

the strength of a southern woman

I could have titled this differently.  I believe all women carry inside them the potential to love unconditionally, to live selflessly for someone else, to put your own needs aside for the sake of someone you love.

But I’ve seen this lived out in two of the most amazing, strong, and yes, southern women I know.  Both of my grandmothers have lived years of their lives taking care of their husbands when they were ill.

My Grama (mom’s mom) took care of my papa for years as Alzheimers took over his body, his mind, and eventually, his life.  Grama did everything she could to make sure he was comfortable, fed, and happy.    I remember journaling during one visit with Grama and Papa.  I noticed that Grama carefully counted out all Papa’s pills for the week and put them in his pill holder, and made sure he took every medication he needed on time.  I remember writing about how beautiful it was to witness her love for him; to see her care for him when he couldn’t remember to care for himself.  Grama cooked for him, anything he wanted, to make sure he was well-fed.  She would sit next to him every day; he in his recliner watching tv, her right next to him.  When he was down to his last days, Grama knew he’d want to spend those last days in his own home, and she made that happen.  She was by his side when he took his last breath.

Grama and Papa - 2006

Over the last several years, Granny (dad’s mom), has taken care of my grandad (we call him Grumpy)  as cancer took over his body.  Granny is one of the most dedicated and loyal women I know.  Her faith is what guides her and gives her strength.  Her love for her husband is so evident in all that she does.  She catered to him, cooked for him, made him comfortable, drove him anywhere he wanted to go.  She drove him miles and miles to different cancer centers and cancer doctors.  She took him to the ER in the middle of the night when his pain is uncontrollable.  She would visit him every minute she could during visiting hours, because he is her husband; her love.  When faced with the unimaginable, Granny had her faith to guide her.  In Grumpy’s last moments, Granny was there, holding his hand, praying for him, loving him.

Granny and Grumpy - July 2011

Granny holds Grumpy before his surgery in January

To care for someone in their weakest moments, when they are sick and uncomfortable and sometimes unpleasant, but to carry on because of your love for them; these women are so selfless, so loving, so generous.  What an amazing example of unconditional love.

Both my Papa and my Grumpy were hardworking men who did all they could to provide for their families.  They loved wholeheartedly, they cared about their wives and their families.  Throughout their lives, they had their wives’ love and strength to lean upon.  I have seen the strength of two women who love with their whole heart, and I will always have the story of the love my grandparents shared to guide me.

To my Grama and Granny: Though you may not realize it, when I look at you, I see a beautiful woman who knows what it means to show someone you love them.  I see years of wisdom written on your faces, I see selfless love lived out through your life.  I see in you a woman that I hope I can one day be.  Thank you for being the strong, amazing woman that you are.  Thank you for showing the rest of the family what it means to love with your whole heart, and to not let go of a promise you made to your spouse to be by their side in sickness and in health.   You are amazing women, and I am blessed to have you as role models in my life.  I love you both so much.

 

**This was written when my grandfather (“Grumpy”) was in the hospital during his last days with us.**

letter to my baby

Natalie Grace,

I am sitting here at the kitchen table next to you- you are eating your breakfast of peaches, bananas, and cheerios.  You are dressed in an adorable navy blue dress with yellow flowers and your hair is up in pigtails (for now… until you pull them down).  You are making goofy faces and noises at me as you finish up your meal.

As I watch you, I am filled with so much joy and I have a desire to tell you exactly how amazing you are and how much I love you; and when I say these things, you smile, but I know you do not fully understand.  So once again I find myself writing this letter to you so that one day, you will know the things I think about, being your mom.

You are almost eleven months old, and you are a healthy and happy little girl.  You are still crawling all over, pulling yourself up on everything, and you walk with the help of your musical walker toy.  You don’t like to hold our hands and take steps; but that will come with time.  You LOVE opening kitchen cabinets and drawers and pulling everything out.  Daddy and I even took a video of you climbing into one of the cabinets after you emptied it.  You are so goofy!

my little explorer

You make silly faces at us, and make all sorts of noises.

she's always sticking her tongue out!

You pull your hair down any time I put it up; so the trick is to fix your hair while you are eating because you are so distracted that you forget about it!  You are still a great eater; I think meal time is one of your favorite times of day.  You have eaten everything we’ve given you except raspberries. You had buffalo chicken at daycare one day and cried after a few bites.  I guess you don’t like spicy things yet!

After months of ignoring Buddy, you suddenly are very interested in him!  You clap and smile when you see him.  Sometimes if you hear him but he is not in the same room, you start looking around as if you are hoping to find him.  You reach for him all the time, but do not understand “gentle” yet- so he runs away from you as soon as you pull his hair!  We’ll keep working on that!

You still love to cuddle at night; which melts my heart.  After dinner, when you are ready for your bottle, you start crawling to the kitchen and whining.  So you drink your bottle, and then we sit on the couch together, with daddy right next to us, snuggling.  When we head up to your bedroom, we snuggle a few more minutes in the rocking chair.  You curl right up in my arms and settle in as we sing and pray.  You still go right to sleep at night.  I’m not sure how long that will last; if there will one day be a night when you don’t just fall asleep- but for now, it is absolutely perfect.

You are truly an easy baby.  You go everywhere with us, happily looking around in shopping carts and out the car window.  You love to explore new places.  You are friendly and smile at others.  You really are happy unless you are hungry or tired, but even then it doesn’t take much to make you smile.

my silly girl

Your daddy and I constantly talk about how blessed we are to have each other and to have you.  We know that everything we have is a gift from God and we hope that you will learn that, too.

You just finished your meal; you clap when you are all done- and right now you are clapping and smiling and “talking” so I suppose that means it’s time to get you all cleaned up.

Sweetie girl, you bring more joy to us every day.  We love you all the way up to the moon- and back.

Love,
Mommy
xoxoxo

my sweet family

burnt veggies, grocery store trips, and financial planning

I think the title is about as good of an indication as any that this could be one of the most random collection of thoughts ever.

There are two thousand, three hundred, seventy three things on my mind.  None of them are related, and none of them would make a complete, or even interesting, read.  Nonetheless, here I sit, glass of wine in hand, comfy pajamas on, sleeping baby in the room next to me, and ready to roll!

1. Apparently, it’s possible to burn vegetables when you’re boiling them on the stove top.  I wouldn’t have thought so, but tonight I found out IT CAN HAPPEN.  The bag of veggies specifically states “Must cook thoroughly” so I always keep it boiling a couple of extra minutes past when it says it should be done.  I’m just paranoid like that.  I guess I let it boil too long.  The water evaporated, I smelled something funny coming from the stove, and sure enough, the veggies (and the pan they were cooking in) were burnt.  So if you were expecting a foolproof side for a main dish, look elsewhere my friend.

2. This morning was the first time that Natalie has ever cried when I dropped her off at daycare.  Talk about feeling guilty!  I wanted to run back in there, swoop her into my arms, and kiss her chubby little cheeks a million times before getting back into my car.  But I knew that would only make it worse.  So instead, I waited about 3.4 minutes and called the daycare to check on her.  As suspected, she was totally fine, and just needed a little bit of distracting.  But still.  I so badly wanted to just go pick her up, snuggle her, and then take her home with me!

3. 4:30am workouts- while incredibly fulfilling, are REALLY hard to wake up for.

4. I’m trying to alternate between yoga and the treadmill so that I don’t get bored with the morning workouts.  I was super proud when I got on the treadmill and was able to run a mile without stopping on my second day on the treadmill!  That’s nothing compared to the oodles and oodles of miles that some people log in a month, but for me, it was amazing.  What a great feeling!  Now if I can just keep it up!  One of my “live healthier” goals is to get back in the kind of healthy (read: skinny) shape I was in when Jeff and I got married.  To do that, I need to keep up with my arm weights routine, and up the miles on the treadmill to about 3 miles at a time.  Then I’ll begin to feel like I did back in 2009.  I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m working on it!

5. When I don’t have to go to the grocery store for any ingredients, I actually like to cook.

6. When I don’t have to go to the grocery store at all, I am a generally happier person.

7. There’s a slight chance my sister might come visit for a quick weekend in February, and that makes me insane amounts of happy.  Fingers crossed!

8. Natalie is 8 1/2 months old, and she is still the cutest baby on the planet.  (Okay I may be slightly biased, but I’m still allowed to say that, right?)

9.  Jeff and I have been having some major financial discussions lately.  The current dilemma is whether to divide our money into different things, or to put it all in one place and achieve one goal at a time.  Do we put all of our money into my college loans?  Do we ride out those loans and fork as much as we can into retirement?  Do we split up the money into a bazillion different things: retirement, paying off my loans early, paying off the house early, adding to Natalie’s 529 college fund?  We just chatted with some friends who recently refinanced the house for a lower interest rate.  Should we pursue that?  SO MANY CHOICES.  So few dollars.

Looks like the two thousand, three hundred, seventy three thoughts floating in my head were really just nine random things.  Guess I was a little off.  Oh well!

live healthy

Well folks, it’s the middle of January.  So far, I’ve been able to keep my one and only New Years Resolution.  Will I jinx it if I fess up and tell you what it is?  Or will it help keep me accountable and motivated if I know others might ask how it’s going!?

After being preggo for nine months and then giving birth to my sweetie pie last April, I spent the first few months of her life nursing her, and the baby weight just went right away.  By July, I felt better about my body than I did pre-baby.  But when I stopped nursing, my body changed once more, and I spent the last part of 2011 feeling like I had some work to do to get back in shape.

Rather than saying that I want to lose weight this year, my goal is a bit more broad.  I want to live healthier.  I’m hoping to make small changes gradually, which will lead to overall better health and more energy.  Some of those changes are things like working out, drinking more water, trying to cook more meals rather than relying on frozen foods when in a hurry, and having a healthier outlook on our home environment (meaning: trying to keep it clean and do things on a daily basis so that I don’t have my freakout moments where I get super crabby and scrub everything until I feel calm again!).

The biggest hurdle for me was trying to figure out when to work out.  I know that blaming my lack of exercising on being too busy was an easy thing to do, and quite frankly, it’s a cop-out.  Of course I’m busy.  I’m a working mom; I’m away from home the majority of the day, and when I’m home in the evenings, I’m dedicated to my child and my husband.  So when exactly do I have time to work out?  The only thing that seemed do-able for me is getting up and exercising first thing in the morning.  I’ve contemplated this for a while, but couldn’t bear the thought of getting up each day any earlier than I already did.  But on January 1st,  I heard the dj on my favorite radio station say this, “Why put off until tomorrow what you should’ve done yesterday?”  And I realized it’s time to stop making excuses and just go for it.

Today was day 8th morning that I’ve woken up early to get out.  And when I say early, I mean early.  4:30am early.  And I feel great!  I know a week and a half isn’t anything remarkable, but it’s the first time that that I’ve conscientiously made a decision to work out (and stuck to it!) since… well, since I don’t remember when.  So for me, this is huge!   And I love the feeling that I’m done with my work out before I even go to work.  In the past, I’ve always worked out after school.  All day long, the thought of working out would loom over me, and it took huge amounts of dedication to do anything.  But now, it’s not that way at all!  It’s amazing!  Makes me wonder why I waited so long to do it this way!  Fingers crossed that I can stay motivated to do my sunrise pre-sunrise workouts!!!

Do you have any goals you’re hoping to accomplish this year?

 

a look back

As I’m sure every one of you has been doing the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking about the past year and reflecting on all the blessings in our life.  They are too numerous to list them all, but there are some obvious ones that I’ll be sure to point out.

First of all, there is no bigger blessing in our life than sweet little Natalie.  She is eight months old now and every single day with her is an adventure.  If you would have told me earlier in my life what an amazing thing it is to be a parent, I wouldn’t have understood what you meant, until April.  There is no doubt that there’s an instant bond between a parent and a child.  I can’t even put into words the love that I have for Natalie.  It’s a different love than anything else, and it is magical.

Now that I’m getting a little choked up… let’s move on.

Another big thing for us in 2011 was celebrating our first year in our new home.  June marked the one year anniversary of living here, and we are so happy to be in this town and in this neighborhood.  We moved from a  home that we both loved, but the location was just too far from my work.  Jeff and I had lived together in that home for almost two years, and Jeff owned the home for several years before I moved in.  We had put so much work into making that house a home, and every room was painted, arranged, re-tiled, refloored, etc to make it just right.  I had even convinced Jeff to let me paint a red accent wall!  (I still miss that….)  Even though we built our home here in Farmington, we left lots of things incomplete so that we could put our finishing touches on it and really make it feel like our own.  We left walls unpainted, the master bathroom unfinished so we could tile it how we wanted without the expense of the builder doing it, we had the living room wall pushed out a few feet to allow for built-ins (that still aren’t there!), we left a spot in the mudroom for built-ins, etc.  And in 2011, we tackled some of those projects, to make it feel more like a home that we’ve lovingly put together.  We still have things we’re hoping to get done this year, but it was fun to do things bit by bit, and really enjoy the feeling that we’ve put work into our home.

Sort of along the same lines as being in our new house, another one of our greatest blessings of the year is living in a fabulous neighborhood, where our neighbors are more than just good neighbors- they have become great friends.   It’s been so fun to get together for dinners and game nights.  Everyone’s kids play so well together.   The grownups play games around the kitchen table, the kids play together upstairs or down.  Having friends here is part of what really makes it feel like home to us.  (Neighbor friends, we love you!!!)

This fall, I went to a women’s conference at church and fell in love with God all over again.  It was what I needed to jump-start my relationship with the Lord.  I have so much to learn, and many things I need to get better at- like praying over problems and worries more, being more diligent about reading the Bible with Jeff, etc.  But I know I was meant to be at River Valley that weekend; it was what I needed to experience in order to remember what faith is all about.  I’m still far from where I should be, but my walk with God is moving forward, and that is a big blessing.

I could go on and on with other things, both big and small, that we experienced in 2011.  But I’d be writing all night!  I hope you and your family have much to be thankful for when you reflect on 2011!

As the new year is beginning, there are definitely some goals I’m hoping to accomplish, and now seems as good a time as any to get going on them!  More on that later!

Happy New Year!